How are Children Effected by Divorce?
This part of the site will help you understand how divorce will effect children and it will also offer helpful tips for both you and your spouse to help the child during the process.
Are the children really effected? As the old saying has gone the divorce is hardest on the kids is really and understatement. The only reality that children know is the home and the daily strong presence of mom and dad. The home is all that they have known ever since birth, and when that only reality is turned upside down by divorce, it causes a lot of serious trauma on a kids life. So it would be a good idea for parents to think through how they will help the kids through the divorce process by putting their difference aside and working together to leave little to no impact if possible on the child.
Here are some suggestions for both parties to listen to:
Here are some suggestions for both parties to listen to:
- Communication - Leaving the communication lines open between you and your spouse is very important, both parents need to do the negotiations that take place need to be done primarily by the adults such as the property and the visitation rights. Asking the children about their feelings whether it be positive or negative about the divorce will assist in the transition. This talking assures the child that the divorce wasn't their fault an that they are still loved totally by the parents. Children feel a lot of insecurity when the parents split up because they need to know who will take care of them. Make sure that the communication lines are left open and that when talking happens both parents are there to reassure the child that their needs will be cared for.
- Lifestyle - As much as possible both parents need to try and keep the child's lifestyle as close to or as similar as they can to their usual life style. There will be an economic adjustment now that the parents are leaving in two homes instead of one, and it is up to the parents to make sure that the child doesn't have to sacrifice any change in their lifestyle. It is important for the child that the parents doesn't make them change schools, change the TV channels that they watch, or give up friends that they may have, just because it makes mom and dad feel uncomfortable. For you as the parents it is best for both of you to just deal with the awkwardness to reduce any stress that it may have on your children.
- Family Traditions - Both parents may need to pay attention to long family history or traditions and try to sustain them even after the divorce. If dad is living separate from mom it may be important for dad to be there Christmas morning for the children to help deal with the emotional effects the divorce had on them. If the children are use to a bedtime story or a good night from a parent that is no longer living under the same roof, then a nightly call may fix that problem.
- Relatives - Make sure that the children have quality access time with both sets of grandparents, so that way they don't feel like they have lost someone through the divorce. One of the best ways to ensure that the kids are taking a positive approach to the divorce is that they have a connection to their treasured family members including aunts, uncles, and cousins. The strength of the extended family intact is one of the best ways to provide a good structure for children to help deal with divorce. In addition when both the parents have the full support of family and friends that were connected with the children during the marriage, that provide resources when things get difficult when the adults try to figure out how life should be as a divorced couple with kids.
- Celebrations - take time to celebrate the big events in a kids life with both sets of parents around, that includes birthdays, holidays, their first baseball game, or being front row center at that school play. These things may seem insignificant to a parent who is now coping with divorce but they are very important times to a child and having that mom and dad figure send them the message of love that is even stronger than words.
Although these may be ideal situations and sometimes may not even always work, but these are only suggestions to help improve the child's emotions as they try and cope with the divorce. For a bit of encouragement to the parents , researches have found that if the right steps are taken to ensure the child's well being, the children will adjust to the facts of divorce in three years. This is a general time frame but as parents you need to pay attention to your child because for some it may take five years or longer. Understand that it is important for both parents to work together even though they are separated, but to work to meet the child's needs and to ensure the child's well being.
How are Adults Effected by Divorce?
Compared to adults in a stable and healthy marriage, divorced adults tend to have poorer physical and mental health as well as a higher rate in experiencing social isolation. After a few years of divorce, most fathers do not have regular contact with their children and admit to "letting them down". The spouse who initiated the divorce tends to feel a heightened sense of remorse and guilt, while the one who has been left by their spouse may experience feelings of denial, anger, and depression. Couples who are divorced are also saddled with added responsibilities and roles, particularly with regard to the care of children. Each parent has to be both father and mother to the children. Some mothers may even have to go out and work to maintain their children. In regards to a possible increase in work hours, it is very common for couples to have to adjust to reduced income, and the father must adhere to agreed upon financial aspects related to custody.
Works Cited: The Hidden Effects
of Divorce On Children. n.d. Online Article. 18 February 2013.